


Hot Predicament

by caidanu (Zanya)



Series: Playing with Fire [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack Fic, Humor, Inappropriate Erections, Language, M/M, OOC, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 13:59:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5873092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zanya/pseuds/caidanu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: How his apartment went ablaze would forever be a debatable topic of conversation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hot Predicament

**Author's Note:**

  * For [justatraveller](https://archiveofourown.org/users/justatraveller/gifts).



> This is my crack swap fic for justatraveller on tumblr and for the narutocrackswap
> 
> I chose the Common Ships, Crack Prompt with ItaNaru for the pairing. 
> 
> The prompt was: Oh, you are a hot fireman but you had to rescue me from a ladder while Im wearing a pink tutu, and my siblings are making fun of me
> 
> This is a 'for fun' fic and not meant to be taken seriously ^^

How his apartment went ablaze would forever be a debatable topic of conversation. One could blame his father for insisting all Uchihas have a hefty supply of steel wool, nine volt batteries, matches, and lighters to keep with the long family tradition of knowing how to ignite a fire regardless if one needed to or not. _Uchihas of the past could light fires by breathing alone,_ his father often said when called out on his pyromaniac tendencies. 

Deidara had been lurking around his apartment the past few days too. Itachi had seen the tell-tale signs of clay, confetti, bits of granite, and the distinct smell of napalm since last Wednesday. So far there were no signs that an actual bomb had been built and given that the apartment only burning and not exploding there was good reason to doubt his friend (and sometimes foe) of being involved. 

Another possible scenario: that one friend of his, who shall not be named for various reasons not limited to accidentally catching Sasuke's hair on fire last Christmas with flammable hair paint, had stopped over and left some paint out. 

Or he simply could have forgotten to turn off his stove when he made tea this afternoon. 

It hardly mattered by the time Itachi had realized there was a fire and had managed to get out onto the teeny little balcony and sidle a few apartments to the left of him by climbing over the rails. Itachi felt it more convenient and simpler to blame Sasuke and be done with it. It was always Sasuke's fault. That was the role a younger sibling had. And by doing so, it helped ease the humiliation of hearing Sasuke's laughter from somewhere in the crowd below. All in all, the situation could be worse. Itachi had invested in a few fire-proof safes to keep his most valuable things in. Although, it was unfortunate the he was still wearing his powder pink tutu and was probably giving everyone on the street a show, but this outfit was by far his favorite and what he wore whenever he practiced. Despite Sasuke's raucous laughter at least this would come out unscathed. 

The color complimented his skin perfectly and offset his black nail polish (the fact that seeing his eldest son in a powder pink tutu was known to set his father into a life crisis, spent questioning every life choice he had ever made was an additional bonus). 

And it was definitely Sasuke's fault because, it wasn't enough that Itachi Uchiha, child prodigy, winner of three ballet awards, stellar student, and all around badass had to shimmy out of his apartment window in a sad attempt to reach the fire escape, but the little shit had the nerve to find it amusing. 

Itachi paused and looked ahead of him. He had one more rail to climb over. He easily threw one leg over and then another with a certain amount of grace and speed rarely seen in someone desperately trying to escape an apartment fire. It was as if all his years spent practicing ballet had prepared him for this moment. 

If he kept going, he could make it out of this mess with little to no damage. Or that had been his plan. He paused when he the fire escape. Now that he had a closer look, he could tell the fire escape had never been properly repaired. Instead, a thin, sketchy looking ladder hung down, stopping short of about ten feet from the ground. It would have to do. Fires spread quickly, and he didn't have the time to think of another option. Going back the way he came would be an awful mistake, but to make sure, he spared his apartment one last glance before watching as the window blew out. 

“Hey, Itachi, I can see your ass from here! Seriously? Green underwear underneath pink? Wait until I send a pic to mother,” a pause followed by more laughter, “and everyone in my contact list!” 

His eyes slid down at Sasuke's smug face, and Itachi smirked. He could handle their mother. She had long grown used to his eccentric behavior. In fact, she'd most likely laugh it off and then show their father the picture. Maybe something good would come out of this fire after all. Still, a slight was a slight. Sasuke had better laugh it up now while he had the chance. A quick, simple phone call made to 'his friend' would forever wipe that self-satisfied grin off of Sasuke's mouth. 

Itachi situation himself to face away from the crowd as best he could and started down the ladder. It wasn't often when he found himself in a situation where he had the disadvantage to Sasuke, and it was definitely a situation worth rectifying at a later date. But all things considered, he was rather relieved his little brother was safely on the ground while his apartment was ablaze. Aside from the rather awkward and disheartening conversation he would mostly likely have with his mother, if anyone or anything was going to take Sasuke down, it was going to be him and him alone. And fire be damned, he would scale down the building if he had to, to make sure he lived long enough to enact his revenge. 

“I'm going to tell father how many people are gathered around and to prepare the papers in the will!” Sasuke called up to him again. 

This time Itachi did glare down at his brother, turning his head and body harder than he intended. Father seemed to always be looking for some reason to cut his 'creative eldest child' out of the will. Flashing everyone within in a ten-mile radius might actually work this time. When he got down to the bottom, if he managed to not break any bones on that last jump he'd probably have to take, he was going to immediately destroy Sasuke's phone. Number one rule of engagement: destroy all evidence and deny it ever happened. Second rule: follow up with a solid plan to make both his parents' phones (and everyone is Sasuke's contacts) mysteriously disappear. 

Grunting, he took a step down only to hear a loud tearing sound. 

Itachi stopped pulling and glanced downwards. His outfit was caught on a thick nail sticking out of one of the ladder rungs and worst of all, it had a rip right in the middle of his thigh. This situation couldn't get more irritating. A tear in the seam could easily be fixed, but the outfit was ruined now. He pulled away, deciding that a bigger hole wouldn't make much difference only to have the nail rip upwards until it got caught on the thick material covering his waist. After a few more tugs and getting nowhere, Itachi took his right hand off the ladder only to have it sway and creak. Another awful sound and a shudder made him grab back on and hold still. 

He took a moment, even though he knew he didn't really have extra time to dwaddle and inhaled a deep breath before exhaling slowly. Vaguely, in the distance, he could hear fire engines zipping down the street. Finally. He might get out of this without any broken bones. Then Sasuke could gloat over his humiliation before Itachi strangled him. If they managed to make it to him on time because the idea of flinging himself off the ladder in order to get free was starting to appeal to him. 

A fireman down below barked a few orders, and one jumped on the ladder of the fire truck and began riding up until the ladder stopped about a foot away from Itachi's. The man grabbed a hold of the bottom rung, testing the soundness of the shabby ladder Itachi was on, before he began to climb up, stopping once he was a couple rungs down. He lifted his mask, “Hang in tight, okay!” and then finished up the last couple rungs. 

His breath caught in his throat once the man was only a mere foot away. It took him a few seconds to catch onto the fact that he was gawking. Despite the man's dirt-smudged face, his sparkling smile and gorgeous blue eyes almost prompted Itachi to let go of the rung. He could only watch as the man climbed up next to him and quickly ripped the fabric from the nail, freeing him. Okay, Itachi immediately clarified that thought to: The hottest firefighter, in a strange orange suit and super human strength. He craned his head to the left. Were those yellow flames across the coat? 

Something in the back of his mind poked and prodded at the familiarity of the man in front of him, but the idea of being carried down was enough to push those thoughts away. 

Prying his eyes away, Itachi sighed and resigned himself to the rather unfortunate fate of being carried like a small child from the fourth story, while wearing his skimpy dance gear, by what he could only describe as the hottest angel he had ever laid eyes on. 

All because he got caught on the damned ladder. 

“C'mon. Let's get you outta here.” The firefighter managed to maneuver himself so that Itachi had half a view of his back. “It'll be easier for you if I carry you down piggy back.” 

That wouldn't do at all. Not only would everyone below get a closer and fuller view of his ass, but Itachi did not want to give Sasuke the satisfaction of having more ammunition. “No.” His reasons were his own. He didn't _need_ to explain himself. 

Hot Fireman sighed and shook his head. “Always so stubborn. Fine, have it your way.” 

Itachi wasn't sure what Mr. Too Hot for His Own Good meant by that, and before he could ask, strong arms held him tight and lifted him up. He compensated for the movement by wrapping his arms and legs around the broad shoulders and waist in front of him. This was better. As Itachi clung onto the fireman, he had to believe that. It felt like being cocooned and held by a warm, golden god. And each step down felt incredibly satisfying. He tried looking to his right and left. Up and down, anywhere but right in front of him. It would be rude to stare too much, especially since staring only made his brain think of highly inappropriate matters. 

The fact that his nether regions were more solid than they should be could be ignored or at the very least blamed on the friction between them. Then the hot fireman chuckled. 

“Is that a pack of lifesavers in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?” Hot and Sexy (his official name now as far as Itachi was concerned) said, much to Itachi's horror. 

His eyes widened. Itachi could feel them actually grow and stay that way for a mortifying ten seconds before he managed to snort indignantly. “Lifesavers? Is that the best description you can come up with?” Well, that certainly hadn't been what he intended to say. But still the words had come out and now he had no choice but to go with it. “A roll of lifesavers hardly describes the bulge in my pants,” he finished with a dignified turn of his head. 

“Have you ever seen the really big kind?” Hot and Sexy asked with a shit-eating grin on his face. 

Itachi would give the man the benefit of the doubt and assume this was his way of trying to put others at ease. “... yes, but that's not the point. I—”

“Then roll with that, alright.” The grin faded and those pretty blue eyes looked serious. “We're almost to my ladder and I don't want you moving around too much, alright?” 

Itachi let out a frustrated grunt. It made sense to stay still and let this man do his job, but that had nothing to do with him talking as far as he was concerned. “I can easily not move and—” Then Hot and Sexy slipped and came down hard on his knee. Itachi saw the wince of pain, though Hot and Sexy's arms were still securely wrapped around him, somehow keeping him from hitting against the rungs. He immediately retracted his thought. Okay, maybe he needed to keep his mouth shut. 

“Don't you dare fall, you asshole. Mom'll never forgive me if you go splat all over the sidewalk, and dad will somehow use it as an excuse to cut me from the will!” 

He opened his mouth to say something to Sasuke when Hot and Sexy stopped and looked down before yelling,

“Sasuke, don't be a fucking dick! You're distracting us!” Hot and Sexy growled down at Sasuke. 

Sasuke? How in the hell did this guy know his brother? The earlier comment came to mind as well. Itachi squirmed, feeling his tutu pull tight against his groin, only compounding his problem. That voice had sounded familiar. 

And that yell... the loud orange outfit, the flames those pretty blue eyes... 

Then it clicked, instantly like a little door in his mind opened up and flooded his brain with memories of a small blond-haired kid running around the playground with Sasuke. The same kid coming over after school for snacks and occasionally pulling on Itachi's hair to get his attention. Sasuke had had a best friend in grade school that had moved out of the country in fourth grade. His brother had used Skype and Facebook to keep in touch, but Itachi had not thought about or seen Naruto in years. But Itachi remembered now how fond he had been of him. 

Itachi sharply looked up at the firefighter, not even able to call him by the dubbed name anymore. To do so somehow seemed... sleazy. This was awkward and bit embarrassing. “Naruto?” he quietly asked. 

Naruto only gave Itachi a confused look before something must have rattled in his head. “You didn't recognize me, did you?” 

“I—” He hadn't recognized Naruto. And how could he have? The last time Itachi had seen Naruto, he was ten-years-old, missing a couple bottom baby teeth, and was barely taller than four feet. Puberty had been very kind to this man. Had there been more than six years difference, he might have been inclined to feel a little dirty about his reaction to being carried by Naruto. 

Itachi stayed quiet as they descended the ladder, trying to think of a way to wipe that disappointed look off Naruto's face. Nothing came to mind outside of addressing the elephant in the room so to speak. He cleared his throat and looked away. “We can pretend the lifesaver conversation never happened or forget that this is somehow turning me on.” The cat was out of the bag, and there would no denying the bulge in his pants anyway. The only recourse Itachi had at this point was to play this off as his bad and hope Naruto accepted the apology. 

Naruto's frowned. He grew thoughtful for a moment before a grin broke out across his face, soon followed by a slightly devious chuckle. Gently Naruto moved them from the rickety crappy ladder to the nice stable big one. Then he stopped. Itachi wasn't sure why they had stopped moving, but it didn't matter. Not when clear blue eyes stared back at him followed by a wink and a grin. 

“Are you fucking kidding me? No deal.” Naruto whistled and took step after step own the ladder, seemingly fueled by whatever it was his brain had latched onto. They were moving much faster now. Too fast almost. “There's no way I can forget this. Sorry but not sorry.” Then Naruto lifted Itachi down onto the fire truck. “Don't worry, though, I won't say a word of this to Sasuke,” he said with another wink and a nudge to Itachi's crotch. “But I am going to take you out to dinner. Thursday night at six work for you? I'll pick you up ten till, alright?” 

Somehow that was only mildly comforting, though he appreciated the sentiment. Normally, he'd consider that a plus for him, but using Naruto to get back at Sasuke felt wrong. Itachi felt a blanket wrap around him, and before he knew it, EMT workers swarmed around him, taking his vitals and giving him some oxygen. His eyes blinked quickly while his brain try to catch up. How did this escalate to dinner and to him somehow agreeing without saying a word. Well, he _could_ say no. 

Or he could leave it be and think on it more. Itachi would have plenty of time today. He'd need to go to the hospital and get checked out, no doubt. He already knew that and everything else seemed fine for now. Sparing Naruto another glance, Itachi watched as he leaned over the fire truck and talked to Sasuke. Only bits and pieces of their conversation could be heard over all the others talking. But he was fairly certain he heard Naruto tell Sasuke about taking him out on a date. 

Sasuke scowled, before some bickering ensued, followed by a somewhat crabby, “Fine, do whatever you want, idiot. And thanks for not letting him fall and break his back,” before storming off to glower. 

That brought a smile to Itachi's face. He had managed to make it out alive, and it seemed like it wouldn't take long for everything to return to normal. After he enacted both of his rules of engagement of course. 

Naruto's arm wrapped around his and lifted him up to stand. After a couple shaky steps, Itachi managed to right himself. He stepped down and let himself be led from the fire truck and towards the waiting ambulance, his thoughts cycling back to this coming Thursday and the warm arm intertwined with his. For once he felt grateful for the extra assistance, a nice distraction from all the people gawking at him as they walked by. His eyes moved up at Naruto's, noting how odd it was to look up slightly instead of down. The sassy, knowing smile he received in return made him look away, and his face felt suspiciously warm. 

He wasn't blushing. 

No, he _most certainly_ wasn't blushing.


End file.
